Just "Stop It!"

My hubby is constantly telling me (well not so much as telling me because I don't respond to directions all that well), let's say he nudges me and reminds me to look for the positive, stay out of the dark, find the good, the silver lining.  Sometimes it's truly nauseating, really.  There are times when I just want to be left alone in my sulking! I'm getting better though.  I don't sulk nearly as much as I used to in large part because I've figured out what sends me down that path to begin with and I've found some ways to turn myself around.  I'm not 100% successful, but I'm much improved.  As much as I hate to admit it, his words get through to me sometimes, though I will never admit it aloud to him (and the fact that I'm blogging about it doesn't necessarily mean admission either!)

A lot of times what he says resonates with me because I'm open to hearing it, other times it resonates because he pisses me off so badly and in my silent treatment of him afterward, I begin to see what he was talking about.  Along my journey I've collected a handful of "advisers" to help me along the way, each one playing a necessary and perfect part in my healing.  I know who I can turn to to ask for what I need, I have people who know what I need before I ask, and I have people who know that what I'm asking for isn't what I need at all and they offer something else or at least point me in a different direction.
I've been all churned up with the March for Life coming which I still can't really believe I'm going to - even though I'm all signed up.  No one that I'm going with will know why I'm really there.  No one will know the journey that has brought me to that point.  I've questioned why I'm going at all, what's the point, etc., which I'm sure will continue until I'm halfway to D.C.  I'm sure my emotions will be tenuous and I'm coming up with some ideas to deal with them if I need to.  Sometimes, it's music, or prayer, my journal of course, a Priest nearby so I can feel closer to Him - which I've been told there will be no shortage of at the March.  How many times can I ask for a blessing in one day I wonder?

I've decided to wear a bracelet that my Mom gave me for Christmas as my way of taking her along with me.  It's jingles and every time I hear it it, I think of her.  I worry over the state of her soul and if she's confessed to her part in my abortion, but I'm not able to address my concerns so I have to just pray that she has.  But, she'll be with me on my trip as will Grace, hopefully joining me from above and encouraging me and interceding for me throughout the day.
I've come up with some little cards with my blog name on it and my email that I hope to pass out to people I meet if I want.  I figure I can stay mostly anonymous and still get my point across. I'm looking forward to seeing all of the women from the Silent No More campaign.  Their courage astounds me and I'm in awe of their public witness.

But with all that's on my mind and trying to keep it under control, I've read quite a few things that have helped and it always seems I find inspiring words when I need them most.  I've wondered what's the point of my going on Monday.  It's difficult for me to tell other people what to believe or hope in.  Who the hell do I think I am?  And now, having had an abortion, I'm going to go to the March for Life as a witness?  Sometimes it sounds just plain nuts.  But I've discovered that I do have a voice, though anonymously and online for the most part, but I have a purpose in all of this, a positive purpose that has sprung from the very depths of despair.

I've heard more than once from a good and holy Priest that right action leads to right thinking or right thinking leads to right action.   I'll have to check... but I'm pretty sure it's action first b/c for me thinking, or over thinking, tends to hold me back.  Sometimes I need to just do it.  There is a video from MadTV that is one of my husbands' favorites...it contains much, simple truth that I need to hear sometimes and don't think that he doesn't remind me when necessary.  I'll keep these words in my head on Monday when I feel the fear welling up, the despair at my heels, the doubts creeping and the shadows lurking...

Here's to me getting on the bus Monday morning.