The Sixth Street Bridge

The Sixth Street Bridge
At the tender age of 17, I walked across this bridge, alone, into Downtown Pittsburgh, with $300 in my pocket that my mother had given me to get an abortion. I went into the Fulton Building (in the picture) and did what I was told to do. I didn't have a choice - if I did, I wouldn't have chosen abortion.

Monday, July 4, 2011

The story of my abortion...

Since I started this blog – I’ve wondered when I would take the time to tell my story as it were.  I’m not sure why I’m moved this morning to tell it, maybe because it’s Independence Day and this will be another step toward my independence of the impact this story has on my life today.  I apologize for the grammar and structure as with this story - I have to just let it flow out as it comes without going back to edit.

This will be the 4th time I’ve told this story.  The first time I told it was to my husband a few weeks after we started dating leaving out most of the details.   I told it a second time was to a Project Rachel counselor at my first appointment when she said, “so, tell me your story.”  I was surprised at how easily the words came and how with each one, brick by brick it seemed, the weight of my story began to lift. 
The third time was at my Rachel’s Vineyard retreat where I told my story after a few others had told theirs.  This time it was to a room for of counselors, retreat team, a caring and warm Priest, and my fellow retreatants.  What struck me were the similarities of our tales of woe – striking me more deeply were the pieces that set me apart from my retreatants – or most of them.  Aside from the two other post abortive women on the retreat as part of the retreat team – I was one that was furthest away from the day I lost my child.  The other thing that was vastly different was the condition of abortion clinics between then and now or most recently.  The general process is the same, but now it seems since clinics have found their footing – they’ve enhanced their bedside manner a bit.  The last thing that really stood out among all the stories I heard that day was that I was the only one that faced the actual abortion utterly and completely alone – at 17 years old.  Which, I’ve come to learn in the last year or so has a lot to do with what makes me who I am now. 

I don’t think my story is that unique or “special” in any way.  I’m simply one of millions of women out there with a similar story and even though there are so many of us hurting from a past abortion – it’s still a very lonely thing.  It’s still a lonely place to go in one’s mind even with a supportive and loving husband, even with loving and kind counselors, even with gentle and compassionate Priests … and even with our ever‑merciful and loving Lord who is with me always and for everything.

By way of background…

I lost (or gave away) my virginity at age 15 to my high school sweetheart – who was about as clueless as I was about what sex truly was about.  Although – to his credit – he seemed to be more ahead of the game than most of his peers.  We felt our relationship to be special of course and we weren’t like our peers who were just jumping into bed for the heck of it.  We tried a few times and failed or otherwise chickened out of “doing it.”  Being 15 does not lend itself to having a lot of freedom since neither of us drove – but we did visit each other a lot and our parents left us alone enough – and let’s face it – two hormone filled teenagers are going to find a way no matter what.  I’ll spare you the gory details of it all – but the thing that is most important about this is that fact that I was so willing to give away my virginity to a 15 year old boy, not aware of my worth, not ever being told that I should wait, not ever thinking or being told of the consequences.  Yes, I knew pregnancy was a risk – but not to me!  And to put into perspective the skewed mind of two 15 year olds about what sex is…bless his heart my boyfriend did try to make it special, satin sheets and all on his parents bed one afternoon when I rode my bike to his house because he was home alone.  In his pubescent 15 year old male mind, he figured that some candle light and – oh, let’s pop in a VHS tape that I found in my Dad’s porn stash to “get us in the mood.”  In a matter of an hour I was now thrust into a whole new arena – we watched that tape with wide eyes.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  That’s what I’m supposed to do?  Okay, got it.

I mention the above, because against the backdrop of receiving zero sex education from my parents and the only information I had was garnered from Seventeen Magazine and my girlfriends who were also testing the waters, my first foray into what sex was a pornographic videotape!  No wonder I’m so screwed up. 

Anyway, we didn’t chicken out that afternoon and although I have my regrets for ever doing it in the first place I have to admit that it wasn’t as horrible as most people’s tales of their “first time.”  I did feel loved (albeit in an adolescent way).  My boyfriend was kind and caring (at the time).  We felt like we were adults now.  And the biggest thing I noticed after was that I now had a power that I didn’t have before.   Sex is an awesome weapon when used properly and completely out of context from the way God intended.  Especially when you are a teenage girl and your audience is completely governed by hormones.

Fast forward a few months … and I had been using my new found talent to get attention, “love,” admiration, dates, etc.  So much so that I dumped my boyfriend for greener pastures because if I could make him “love” and adore me – who else could I get to do the same?  I basically had no parental supervision and had gotten my driver’s license and a car at age 16 because I was involved in a lot of activities so my parents didn’t want to drive me everywhere.  Talk about freedom – the wrong kind of course – but freedom nonetheless.  As long as I was bringing home straight A’s on the report card – my parents pretty much left me to my own devices.

My boyfriend and I broke up and got back together a lot over the next year or so and each time we did, there were plenty of boys willing to take his place.  I somewhat realized it, but didn’t care, that these boys weren’t interested in taking me to the movies or on an official date – they knew what they wanted and so did I.  And even when I didn’t want it, some took it anyway.

In the summer before my senior year of high school, I stopped getting my period.  My periods were always awful and horrible with days of painful cramps, etc.  So I was quite relieved that it wasn’t happening anymore.  I’m not sure when it actually hit me that I could be pregnant, but I ignored it.

One morning, in the basement, sorting laundry with my Mom – she asked me point blank – to get any underwear I was hiding in my room to be washed.  I hid underwear from when I had my period because it was not a pleasant thing and my Mom simply did not understand that I couldn’t help that my periods were so heavy that most feminine hygiene products were not sufficient.  So, I told her I didn’t have any.  She asked how long since the last time I had any.  I said, “I don’t know.”  She looked right at me and said, “If you are pregnant, you are out of this house you know.”

I think we both knew at the point that I was.

I can’t remember the exact words following that but I know there was a lot of screaming and yelling and I do remember specifically saying that she never cared what I did.  That afternoon she was pouring over the phone book and gave me a few numbers to call.  I went into my room – alone - and called the first one.  Allegheny Women’s Health Services of Pittsburgh.  Yes, they performed abortions.  It’s $300.  Yes, they can see me this Saturday.  Wear something easy to get on and off like a skirt.  No, no one has to come with me.

I remember my mom saying, well “good, that gives me a few days to find $300” and “Don’t tell your father.”  Saturday came and off I went early that morning.  My Dad was at the kitchen table with coffee - my behavior was nothing out of the ordinary to him.  My mom came in my room and gave me $300 in $50.00 bills and told me to not lose it.  She told me where to park and walk to the clinic.  And off I went.  She didn’t offer to come with me – she would have to explain to my Dad where we were going.

I parked on the North Shore close to Three Rivers Stadium.  It was cheaper than parking in town.  I walked across the 6th Street Bridge clutching my purse and checking the pocket of my skirt from time to time where the money was.  My mom said not to put the money in my purse because it could get snatched. 

I walked up to the Fulton Building.  I don’t remember there being any protestors outside at all and Pittsburgh is basically a Monday – Friday kind of town so it was pretty quiet.  I gave my name at the window and sat down.  I wasn’t used to being in the City really except for the Arts Festival and the Regatta and other big events.  They took me back to give me a pregnancy test.  About 10 minutes later, it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant.  And “just in time” too – because it seems like I’m about 12 weeks along and one week more and I wouldn’t be able to have an abortion at all or I’d have to pay extra.

Looking back I wonder why my mom didn’t get me a test to take at home just to be sure before sending me downtown?  I’ll never know I guess.  There was no wait time after the confirmation of your pregnancy to the procedure – except for a quick stop in a “counselor’s" office.  I do remember her.  She was blond and cute and most likely just out of college and trying to save the world.  We talked for a few minutes, she asked about my boyfriend, and then it hit me like a hammer, I wasn’t sure if my boyfriend was the father at all.  I hadn’t even thought about him in the few days that this all happened. I had no intention of telling him because my Mom told me there was no reason to tell anyone.  But, thinking about it, it could have been him or it might have been another boy.  I’ll never really know the answer to that question either.

I remember her asking if I wanted to talk about adoption, etc.  I said no.  Next was the procedure room.  I had never been to a gynecologist before or had any kind of pelvic examination of any kind so I didn’t know what to expect.  There was a nurse and the counselor who stayed with me.  The nurse explained the procedure to me and I saw the stirrups for the first time.  The room was bright and cold.  I didn’t change into a gown of any kind – now I know why they said to wear a skirt.  There wasn’t much to do before the procedure because at that time there was no anesthesia given at all.

After I was “prepped” the doctor arrived.  He never looked at me.  He never told me his name.  He never talked to me – he talked to the nurse.  The counselor talked to me.  If you are a woman, you know how horrible a speculum can be even when you know it’s coming – but when you don’t it’s a torture device.  Then a clamp on my cervix.  I really didn’t even know what a cervix was.  The tears start to fall; the counselor held my hand and told me it’s going to be alright.  I stare at the ceiling.  The doctor is poking and prodding.  I feel the cannula.  The machine is turned on.   It sounds like a vacuum cleaner.  On and off.  On and off.  Checking.  Back on.  Checking.  Back on.  More tears, but I don’t make a sound. I don’t talk.  The doctor says, “Almost done, I’ve got mostly everything.”  The machine shuts off the final time. I remember hearing the gurgling sound of wherever my child is now being deposited.  At that time, it’s not a child to me; it’s just tissue because that’s what the counselor told me.  It’s not a baby yet, it’s too early. 

I know now what a 12 week old baby looks like.

The doctor leaves the room, the counselor helps me to sit up and fix my skirt and I’m walked to the recovery area.  A room full of reclining chairs, about 10 or so.  Some girls are crying, one is filing her nails.  One is getting scolded by her mother in some other language.  I am the only one who is alone in my chair, curled up, feeling the cramping starting.  I’m given something to drink and a cookie or two.  I’m given some birth control pills and some other pamphlets that don’t fit in my purse so I keep the pills and toss the papers on my way out the door.  I walk back across the bridge, in pain, with a bulky pad between my legs.  I remember where I parked my car.  I get in, start the car, and blast the air conditioning and drive home. 

I get home, my Dad is now on the deck outside.  I say hi and go to my room and lie down.  My mom comes in, pulls down my blinds and before she closes the door she asks if I need some Tylenol. I nod yes.  Before she goes to get it she says, “We will never speak of this again.”  She brings me some Tylenol. I sleep for what seems like a day or so.  The next day, I’m off on a day trip to Ohio with my boyfriend who I’m back together with.  The day trip gets cut short because of my cramping and bleeding that I’m trying to manage.  My boyfriend thinks it’s my period so no questions there.  I let him drive my car back home and I go back to bed.

My life is changed forever.  I have killed a baby, my baby.  I take that fact and all the feeling s with it and stuff it down as far as I can.  The feelings lie in the darkness of my soul for years.

That’s the story of my abortion as I remember it.  I remember it every day.

34 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you went through this. But thank you so much for sharing your story on your blog! God Bless you and your family!

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  2. Thank you for starting this blog. Please keep writing. I'm looking forward to following. I think you have a very important message.

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  3. My heart broke for you at every paragraph of this story. You deserved better guidance, stronger love, and more help. I'm so glad that you found Rachel's Vineyard and that you have allowed God to come into your heart and begin to heal you, and that you've found the guidance, love, and help that you missed out on. I love your background image of a new dawn; it fits your life, now.

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  4. Thank you for sharing. Your story was hard to read (my heart hurt for you), so I can't imagine how hard it was to write. I am so glad that you have since found some healing, and I will pray that you continue to heal. God bless you.

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  5. I'm so sorry for what you went through, but thank you for sharing. Your story is powerful. I was sick at the way your mother treated you. :(

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  6. Thanks all for the encouragement and prayers. It's more than I could have ever hoped for.

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  7. It's the small details that make it so poignant: the counsellor trying to save the world, the $300 in fifties, hiding it from your dad, from the world. Thank you for telling your story.

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  8. I have no clue what good I can do, but I will walk with you for a bit, at least in spirit and bytes and offer a prayer or two.

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  9. I too am a Rachel's Vineyard graduate. I lost my child to abortion when I was 18 years old. It was the saddest day of my life.

    Please continue to keep speaking out so that others will never know the pain that we have had, never experience child loss the way we have.

    God Bless you -

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  10. As a pro-life activist I am accused often by pro-choice activists of not caring about women but I can tell you that your story absolutely broke my heart. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for you not only to experience it but to experience it alone. Most women who have abortions are not like the loud pro-choice activists but are instead like you were, young and gullible, and in a sense a victim of the society that we live in. Our society betrays us. We are taught sometimes blatantly, sometimes subtly,to have sex at a young age and then have an abortion if we get pregnant. Then there is the betrayal of family members who betray by their silence and lack of supervision. All of this combined leads us down an unintended path to exactly where you are, mourning for your unborn baby. Your boldness and strength in telling your story will perhaps save some from going down that same unintended path. Thank you for being willing. God Bless. I look forward to following your blog.

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  11. My baby was killed in Pittsburg, too, in 1973. I have told a few people, but I've never really talked about it. I was 17 also

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  12. Mary - I'm so glad you found your way here to my blog. I would highly recommend finding the nearest Project Rachel and/or Rachel's Vineyard ministry and call them. Just one step is all it will take to open your heart and soul up to a world of hope and healing.

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  13. Thank you for sharing your story with us. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I read this. It is hard to imagine the pain and sense of betrayal you must have felt hearing such cold harsh words from your own mother. I'm sorry that you ever had to go through such a thing. May God flood your heart with his peace and love and may He continue to heal you.

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  14. Dear Infinite Grace,
    I stumbled upon your blog through a link on the Holy Souls Hermitage blog. Thank you for sharing your story. I had an abortion at the age of 24. It would be 14 years before I would come to acknowledge what I did and seek healing. I too found it at Rachel's Vineyard. In the 10 years since my retreat, I have had had the privilege of serving on team for our archdiocese's Rachel's Vineyard site. In listening to the stories of the retreatants, I am always amazed at the similarities and differences among them. No matter the circumstances of the one telling his or her story, I can always see a bit of myself and at the same time see that while horrible, my situation was not as bad as some others such as yourself. I am so sorry that you went through this alone at such a young age. I am also glad you found healing.
    I am also glad God inspired you to start this blog and give your witness. My continued prayers for your continued healing.
    PS- We are having another Rachel's Vineyard retreat this coming weekend. Any prayers you could send our way would be greatly appreciated.
    Thanks again for your courage and God bless.

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  15. My heart broke for you as I read that. Thank you for sharing this story. My prayers are with you. I am glad you have found God through this experience. God bless x

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  16. Just read your story today, it brought tears to my eyes, but God is good, and he is leading you to better things. You will save lives and sow seeds that will bear great fruit. You may still experience pain along the way, but Jesus will always be with you. I will keep you always in my prayers; may the loving Mother of Jesus send you angels to help you along your way.

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  17. I wanted to let you know that I am putting a link to your testimony on my website (www.myheartsmission.com)- and I am going to share the link to your testimony on my FB page today.
    Thank you for your courage in sharing your story- I pray that it will help other women to heal- and Lord willing- will also keep women from having an abortion.
    I am home with my two children for a season, but I hope to be a counselor with Rachel's Vineyard someday- I admire their ministry- my heart aches for all the women hurting past abortions.
    God bless you.

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  18. I am a guy and got my girlfriend pregnant in 1980 when I was. 24. If You don't think abbortion affects guys...you're dead wrong. The deep sadness and regret is there always. And, it is only mitigated by confession, and prayer. But, it's still there after all these years. I should have made more of an effort to stop my girlfriend but, I was ashamed and was afraid of the consequences. Truth be told, the consequences of abortion are worse. After, my girlfriend got back from the clinic, we sat in silence while the 1980 Miracle on Ice hockey game was on. I was silently praying to God asking if He would ever forgive me for what I had done. In the words of Al Michaels at the end of that game he said.."Do you believe in Miracles? Yes!" I started to cry because I felt that only a miracle could save my soul. I will never forget that day. To this day, I have never watched the movie, "Miracle on Ice". It would bring back too many painful memories. I buried the memories for many years. In 1997 I had a nervous breakdown. I Finally confessed to a Priest of what I had done. That took a lot off baggage off my shoulders. I called my girlfriend and asked her for her forgiveness. We had a good talk and she said she always thought I did not care about what she had gone through. I told her, it hurt me inside knowing I hurt her and our baby. My wife knows and she has been supportive. Anyway, I thank our Lord for his love and forgiveness.

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  19. I am so sorry you endured such a difficult time as a young person. I am sorry your parents were aloof, absent and thoughtless to the one they should both love with all their hearts. When you don't feel loved at home, you look for it outside the home. There are many who will take advantage of those seeking love and approval.

    God forgives ALL sins. May HIS peace be with you always.

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  20. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry for that you had to experience so much confusion all by yourself. God bless you. He loves you.

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  21. You. Make. Me. Sick.
    I sincerely hope you die a death
    As horrible as your unborn baby did.
    Good riddance.

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    1. Really? A person shares a story like this, and this is your reaction? Not appropriate. Not okay. If God can forgive the people who nailed him to a cross, he can certainly forgive this. She is doing what she can to prevent other women from making the same mistakes she did. God bless her, and God soften all our hearts to each other.

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    2. My sentiments exactly Kathleen. Laurena, I will pray for you.

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  22. I found your blog by randomly googling post-abortion resources. I am so glad I did. Thank you for the courage you have in sharing your story. Please never stop. You are giving a voice to the unborn, as well as to women affected by abortion.

    You have a beautiful way with words and I was glued to the screen the entire time. I am so sorry for all you've been through and that you carried this guilt and shame around for so long. But, I am so thankful you found healing and can now be a voice not only to the pain abortion brings, but the hope that is offered in the Lord. He can heal and redeem and make ALL things new.

    I want to share my story with you as well. I had an abortion at the age of 19, in February 2009. I was unmarried, scared, and felt so alone. I ended up getting pregnant again just a few months later...that time, I chose LIFE. But, my precious daughter went straight from my womb to the arms of Jesus when I was 9 months pregnant. I would like to share that journey of darkness to light with you. I blog about my post-abortion journey as well, and my entire story at www.roseandherlily.com. You can read my story by clicking on the "My Story" tab on the top of the page.

    I am looking forward to reading much more on this blog of yours. If you don't mind, I would like to share your blog on mine. I'd love to hear back from you.

    Hugs,
    Hannah Rose

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  23. Dear Hannah Rose, I'm so sorry for the sorrow that you carry. I will most definitely visit your blog and read about your journey. Sure, you can share my blog on yours. Any way to spread the word and the Word is a good thing. If people only knew...

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  24. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  25. I also went to Rachel's Vineyard but because my grandchild was aborted. I was forbidden to ever speak of it and my grief festered to levels that were out of proportion to the event. I finally got relief at the retreat where I was allowed to talk and cry (and cry and cry and cry some more). After the retreat was over one of the counsellors called me a few weeks later to see how I was doing. I told her that the first day of the retreat (a Friday) felt like Good Friday - there seemed to be nothing but hopelessness and despair. By Sunday morning I felt like I had experienced the Resurrection - and really that was no analogy - it was the truth! It still hurts sometimes to think of the abortion but the activities at the retreat not only helped me to heal but I was able to honour my grandchild and I truly feel he is resting in peace now and praying for his parents (who are in complete denial over the abortion which is actually very distressing as they cannot bring themselves to get help and they are suffering terribly.) Before the retreat I couldn't figure out why they couldn't come clean with us about what happened (they still think I do not know) but after hearing the stories of the post-abortive women and how much guilt and shame they carry I began to understand a little. I pray for all post-abortive women and men that they find relief and peace and know that their little ones are praying constantly for them.
    Angela

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  26. @ Laurena what a horrible thing to say. I can appreciate why the story upsets you but there's no point being cruel.

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    1. Laurena, I cannot understand why the webmasters allowed your comment. There is one master and his name is Jesus Christ. You need to fall on your face and repent of this judgment of this woman. She is telling the truth and confessing her sin. You do not need to judge her. there is one judge and Jesus is that One. p.s. you need to be saved; obviously by your hateful remarks to this woman. God's Word says: If a man says he loves God, yet hates his brother that man is a murderer. Think about what you write before you write it! Jesus shed his blood for us. I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. now go repent already

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    2. Laurena needs Jesus to save her Amen

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  27. Hey,
    Here is a prayer/scripture I pray for you and me: Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquities. You need to know that you are forgiven; so many women, myself included have been tricked into having abortions. Your ending comment "I remember it every day" rings so true for me, because we do remember it every day although we may not realize what's wrong. So sad. Jesus laid down his life for us and bore all our sins. To bring glory to Jesus, pray this: Thank you Lord Jesus for showing me what I did wrong. I have confessed my sin here and with you one on one and you have forgiven me. You gave yourself for me and are now seated at the right hand of God, our father constantly in intercession for me in order to reconcile me to yourself. Help me Lord to realize your forgiveness of my abortion and that you have cast my sin into the sea of forgetfulness. Jesus you are the strength in my weakness, the author and finisher of my faith, the Holy One out of Israel, light and savior of the world. Thank you Lord for choosing me and saving me and loving me. Help me Lord to speak the truth! I magnify your name, the name above all names, Jesus. I love you Lord. Amen

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  28. Hey,
    Thank you for your beautiful story. You are forgiven and Jesus gave himself for you and me, and the whole world! Feel so sad at your last comment: I remember it every day. The Lord does not want you to remember it at all. I am not trying to condemn you for what you wrote: the truth about what you did but you need to know that so many women have had abortions or were tricked into abortions, myself included. It is a horrible thing to live with; until you can realize that our babies are with the Lord. We need to realize that nothing we can do can separate anyone from the Love of Jesus Christ. Jesus has our babies with him forever. This is not an excuse; it is the truth. Come, let us magnify the name of the Lord together. His name is Jesus and he alone is Lord. Amen. Thank you Lord for showing me this page. take care and God loves you.

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