The Sixth Street Bridge

The Sixth Street Bridge
At the tender age of 17, I walked across this bridge, alone, into Downtown Pittsburgh, with $300 in my pocket that my mother had given me to get an abortion. I went into the Fulton Building (in the picture) and did what I was told to do. I didn't have a choice - if I did, I wouldn't have chosen abortion.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

There is no grave to visit.

Having an abortion changes you...forever.  Maybe you don't realize it at first, maybe not for a long, long time.  Some women don't bring it up until they are on their death beds.  Perhaps you sense a change but you don't acknowledge it or you find ways to cover it up, ignore it, hide it, but you always know the change is present.  The truth of the matter is - you have lost a child.  Despite any or all of the circumstances that may or may not have surrounded the loss - your child was killed.  I don't like using that word because it sends shivers up and down my spine, but that is the truth of what happened. 

25 years ago, on this day, my daughter was killed. Slowly, tortuously, methodically taken from my womb and deposited somewhere else.

I know that may be hard for some to hear, it's hard for me to say, or type.  Actually, I'm not sure I've ever said those words out loud.  The keyboard is safer.  But that's the hard truth.  If there is any point to this blog, and I've learned in the year or so I've been writing it that it has way more purpose than I could have ever dreamed of, it's to tell the story of my abortion in the hopes that some day there will be no more abortions, no more killing.  Some may stop by to read my story because they have been there themselves, or maybe they need to help someone who has been through the same, but I hope more and more stop by and read my story and then turn the feelings they have after into action to do whatever they can to stop it from happening to someone else. 

Like I said, having an abortion changes you forever. After all the work I've done to battle my demons and put to rest the wrongness of my thinking about it, in spite of all the healing work I've done and all the work He has done in me... the grief remains, the sorrow remains, the regret remains, the doubt remains.  You learn to manage it in healthy ways like anyone who has lost someone they love, but it remains forever.

I feel I can never say "I'm sorry" enough to my Lord and Savior and to Grace.  I know I've been forgiven.  I know that His mercy has saved me, but I remain sorry and sometimes the sorrow is crippling.  It can color every other aspect of your life, no matter how good it is. But, with help and healing and Him, I've learned to live with my sorrow much better than I had been, but work remains.  There is no grave to visit, but the space in my heart that's for her. 

I'm sorry Grace for what happened to you on this day, 25 years ago.  I didn't know what to do when I realized that He had sent you to me. I didn't realize you were a gift.  I was told what to do with you.  I wonder if my Mom is thinking of you today.  I'm sorry I didn't even try to find another way.  I'm sorry I didn't tell anyone else about you for that may have saved your life.  I'm sorry that I didn't turn around on that bridge that morning and come home with you.  I'm sorry I didn't protect you.  I'm sorry it took me so long to acknowledge you at all.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry. 

I know where you are now and that you are happy because what else could you be in the light of Heaven?  I know you don't want me to be sad and mournful and withdrawn, especially for you sisters' sake.  I will try to keep the sadness reigned in today and I'll turn my despair into little prayers of thanksgiving for you having been with me for the short time that you were.  Look at all you've taught me!  I have you to thank for my growth in faith, for the rediscovery of His Church that I love so much, for the people that have come into my life as a result of my grief over your lost life. 

I will pray for you today Grace and ask Our Lady to comfort and keep you until I am there with you.  Please seek Him out today ask, again, for mercy for me and for my Mom.  I love you.

45 comments:

  1. This is so heartbreaking and honest and brave...thank you for speaking out, and bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are not alone. YOU are a reflection of Christ's love for us. Thank you for this piece of Heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Please know that you have friends who can't make things "better" for you will at least stand with you and offer our prayers for you. You are touching many lives with your testimony. God will redeem our past to His glory and, I hope, your comfort. May our Blessed Mother minister to you today.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I will pray for you, and thank you for your testimony. I found out last summer that my older sister got an abortion with the cooperation of my parents just around twenty years ago. I often think about the nephew/niece that I will never know in this life. It's very difficult, but then I also think how I have another saint in heaven to pray for all of us. And I have faith that your daughter intercedes for you always. Christ says: "Behold I make all things new." By his love and grace, He renews us out of the death and pain caused by abortion. God bless you and give you peace. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you call your local Project Rachel or Rachel's Vineyard people - they do have days of prayer and/or weekend retreats for siblings, grandparents, and others who have been affected by abortion. It may bring you some healing and peace. : )

      Delete
  5. Thinking kindly of you today.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You and your daughter are in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi,

    You don't know me but I have been praying for you all day. I hope that you have peace today.

    ReplyDelete
  8. God Bless You....

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am humbled and grateful for all the prayers offered for me today. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are in my prayers this evening. Would it be possible to ask your daughter in Heaven to whisper a prayer in Jesus' ear, asking Him to provide healing for my son?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Unable to find words of comfort, I offer you the meager merit of my prayers for you and all your family.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You aren't alone. I share your pain and sorrow. It has been 23 years for me. My story is very similar. I was 14. Thank you for sharing your story. I too am sorry, sorry, sorry. Dear Lord, have mercy on us.

    ReplyDelete
  15. God bless you for your testimony. It’s been 42 years for me and although I found healing and forgiveness it still never leaves you. As a SNM participant and speaker, each time I hear a woman’s testimony, my heart aches for her. While our experiences may be different, we do have one common theme and that is our regret over our abortion remains with us forever. You are in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I cannot find the right words of comfort nor encouragement, but I can offer you and your daughter my prayers and thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  17. The author of this piece doesn't bother to say whether or not she was raped and/or if the male who perpetuated the crime was punished or not....She had, instead, taken upon herself the role that misogynist, female-hating bigots would assign her... that of seductress, who MUST bear an unexpected, unwanted child-- AS THE WAGES OF SIN......
    THANKFULLY, BACKSTREET ABORTIONS THAT WERE SHAMEFUL 50+ YEARS AGO BECAUSE OF THE DOUBLE STANDARD OF FEMALE-HATING, MALE MISOGYNISTS WHO INSISTED ON THE DOUBLE STANDARD HAVE BEEN LARGELY ELIMINATED BECAUSE females have had the guts to stand up for themselves through what misogynist bigots term ' womens' liberation.'
    Obviously, this victim BLAMED HERSELF for getting pregnant to begin with-- INSTEAD OF FORCING THE RAPIST TO TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE PREGNANCY......
    DID THE RAPIST COMMIT STATUATORY RAPE? WAS he EVER PUNISHED FOR THE CRIMINAL ACTION he PERFORMED?
    The victim does NOT tell us.....

    This victim should be VERY THANKFUL that SHE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy.....
    In Muslim-dominated, misogynist countries, she MIGHT HAVE BEEN TAKEN OUT AND STONED TO DEATH....
    THANK GOD FOR ROE V WADE--1973

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow....so much vile, hatred, bitterness, darkness. And clearly, pain. Here you will find no one that continues YOUR OWN self-condemnation. We have been and continue at times, to be familiar with that sword of self-destruction. But in these pages, we find Hope and Mercy and Forgiveness and Love and even Joy. We hope you might someday know Him too. So great is your obvious need. We will never be thankful for Roe, only that she too found her way back to our Father in Heaven. He will touch you, of that I am certain. Because He hears our prayers and now that we have heard you, we will go to Him for you. Hang on your own walk just took a vastly different turn.....

      Delete
    2. I am praying for this commenter, that there may be a crack in their darkness and Grace may help them, too.

      InfiniteGrace, thank you for your courage and motherly love. It is so sad that anyone would try to tell you not to love and grieve for your child that was killed.

      Delete
    3. To the first anonymous poster - you can read the story of my abortion here http://www.postabortionwalk.blogspot.com/2011/07/story-of-my-abortion.html to find out what happened. No, I was not raped. More importantly, I did not "get rid of an unwanted pregnancy," I lost a child. You will be in my prayers.

      Delete
    4. I am one of the "fathers" who had no choice when his child was aborted at the insistence of the parents of the mother. There are many "victims" in these situations, but the unborn child was helpless. I only wish I had done more. My life will never be the same.

      Most abortions do not occur as a result of a pregnency due to rape or incest, but rather due to fear of facing the unknown and not knowing God is always with us.

      May God bless this commentator and help her(?) to overcome this anger.

      Delete
  18. Infinite Grace, do you see how many you are touching by these words? Satan hates them because they are reaching so, so, so many just like the blood and water that poured froth from His Sacred Heart. You WERE the victim and you ARE the mother of a saint. The devil and his yipping minions can't stand this Truth. And now that it is converting hearts, he hates it even more. We are indebted to you for being an avenue of seeing His infinite mercy. May you know many Blessings ~ Prayers for you...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! I'm relishing it just a bit. Some time not so long ago, I would have taken to my room and hid with my feelings and thoughts and despair. No more, I'm just so excited that my story may reach even more people - people who really need to hear it but maybe aren't even ready to hear it - but I pray they will remember and it will one day start them on a journey to Him.

      Delete
  19. Unfortunately, for the very UN-enlightened above, American women are NOT forced/required TO ENDURE BEING VILELY ATTACKED FOR REFUSING TO TAMELY ACCEPT BEING THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT, CRIMINAL CRIME OF RAPE .... AND, YES, CONTRARY TO WHAT THE ABOVE HAS TO SAY, AMERICAN FEMALES DO, CONSTITUTIONALLY, LEGALLY, AND/OR EMOTIONALLY HAVE THE RIGHT TO TERMINATE AN UNWANTED PREGNANCY......... ACTUALLY, THE POSTER OF THE MISOGYNIST POST MIGHT WANT TO EXAMINE THE MISOGYNIST POSTS THAT WERE-AH, POSTED...........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So much venom...my oh my. But see the tranquility of the Blessed Mother as she crushes the head of Satan. She is not fearful or intimidated by anyone or anything. She simply fulfills the promise of God from beginning. She is not have any appearance of an infuritated, wrathful, raging lunatic; she only has compassion and love and open arms for those who bought into the lie that making something legal will make it ok. Do you know how many victims there have been because a driver was not above the legal limit..."A" might have had a constitutional right to his drink, but now "B" is dead and his family will never be the same. Yet, it was not illegal because he did not have more than the state said was too much. Does any of this make sense to you? Do you have the reasoning skills for such a simple analogy? Or are you sill nursing off the lie, that if 9 people in a nation of more than 200 million in 1973 thought it was "ok" to end a pregnancy, it must be ok....? Do those numbers sound reasonable to you, enlightened one? Is that why you think you can you can, quite cowardly, send out barbs of extreme and unfounded hate upon women you don't even know and because you state it, sophomorically, in all caps, it makes it so? No concerns, the Blessed Mother has room under her mantle for you too.

      Delete
  20. Your redemption would be complete if you repented of the murder which you committed. You did have a choice not to kill your child. You could have not crossed that bridge and spent the $300.00. In this way, you could heal of your grief and save your eternal soul. It's very simple but also very profound. You can become happy if you completely acknowledge your responsibility and therefor your guilt before God. May God bless you with a complete confession.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cy - I invite you to read my whole story on my blog here http://www.postabortionwalk.blogspot.com/2011/07/story-of-my-abortion.html. I have confessed this sin and I can only hope that the others who were invovled in it confessed as well as I fear for their souls, but I can't control what they have or haven't done. I did not have a choice in this matter and not a day goes by that I don't think of it.

      Delete
    2. God wants to bless you with a complete judgment...It is not up to you to judge her. she has repented and people like you need to shut up

      Delete
  21. HEY, CY!

    ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF A CHILD? ARE YOU A MALE RAPIST? HAVE you ACCEPTED your RESPONSIBILITIES?????????????????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Something becomes "legal" when the government sanctions it. "Legal" does not mean "moral" or "beneficial." Hitler legally exterminated millions of Jews, gypsies, and others who were unlucky enough to be deemed "unwanted" or "undesirable" from his warped perspective. Stalin also had a long run at implementing legalized mass murder. Let's not forget that apartheid was legal at one time in South Africa, just as segregation was legal in the United States. Abortion doesn't nullify rape. Truly I hope you will find peace and healing.

      Delete
  22. InfiniteGrace, I will remember you and Grace in a special way at church in the morning.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I wish all killers in the world could grieve as you.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Please have mercy, as Jesus does. We are not to judge the repentant. Our savior came to uplift and save, just as he did for Saul, who became Paul. The good news is that the very people who are the greatest of sinners, with repentance, can become the greatest of saints. If we condemn them, we ourselves will be condemned. Condemnation is for those unrepentant even in death, and not for us. If we condemn the repentant, we are surely not walking in the light of Christ. The thing that the devil most hates is Jesus' mercy: he wants us to have no knowledge of it so that we never repent. The greatest of sins is but a drop in the ocean of Jesus' Divine Mercy. God bless all of us and may we all be merciful as He is.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Remember the condemnation of the woman caught in the act of adultery and the prostitute who perfumed Jesus' feet? There was no condemnation by Jesus, but only by other sinners. The chasm between Jesus and us is infinitely greater than the one between us and the greatest of sinners. Still, unlike us, Jesus reaches down to the repentant sinner to bridge and heal our wounds. Jesus is love and mercy. God bless you! God bless Grace!

    ReplyDelete
  26. You continue to be held in prayer. So many are so grateful, myself included.

    ReplyDelete
  27. This is such a heartbreaking post...I get it. No matter how much healing there is, the sorrow will remain forever. The ache and the regret will remain forever.

    It's been really tough for me to have a grave to visit my daughter Lily, but no grave to visit my son Luke (who I aborted). But, I have found a very special place that I look at now as his memorial/grave cite. It is called the National Memorial for the Unborn and is located in Chattanooga, Tennessee. You may already know about it, but just in case you don't, I will share. It is truly a beautiful, sacred place. They have a memorial wall dedicated to aborted babies, where you can get a plaque. It is all located where a former abortion clinic used to be. You should check out the website for more information and to request a plaque for the wall. They also send you two copies of the plaque. One is on a marble piece. It is AMAZING. And people can leave things there for their little ones, like they would at a grave. You don't have to live nearby to have a plaque. I live close enough that I've been able to visit and I will be going in the spring to place my plaque on the wall and have a Remembrance Ceremony/Memorial Service for my Luke (another thing they offer, complete with Scripture reading, songs, programs, candlelighting, balloon release, etc. It can basically be whatever you want it to be.) But they can place it for you if you can't get there. They also have a garden outside dedicated to miscarried and stillborn babies, which I am getting a brick paver to honor my daughter. It is very special to have one place on earth to honor both my two babies.

    http://memorialfortheunborn.org/

    ReplyDelete
  28. Yes, I have heard and read about the memorial in Tennessee. I'm not sure if it's something I'd like to do yet. I'm not quite sure why and I haven't spend a lot of time trying to flush out the reasons for my resistance to it. I guess I feel like her memorial is here, inside me, for now.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Japan has numerous shrines devoted to aborted babies. Similar to the memorial in TN.

    ReplyDelete
  30. All Heaven enters into your soul when you receive Jesus in Holy Communion, your baby Grace as well. You are closer than ever before.
    Angela

    ReplyDelete
  31. I love you......in Jesus name amen <3<3<3 Hi Grace; your little light shines in my heart tonight because of your mom. we love you.

    ReplyDelete
  32. No one can judge a Person ,only GOD ! JESUS did on the Cross for all Mankind !
    Grace is guiding you to do this I believe !

    ReplyDelete