It's been almost two weeks since I spoke to my Mom on the telephone. This sounds like something easy to rectify - but it's not. It's complicated. I know I should just suck it up and call, but every phone call is becoming more and more difficult. I know my parents are both aging, but it's getting worse, exponentially it seems. My Mom and I have the same conversation generally, with just a few differences. We don't talk about anything very meaningful and it usually ends up with me feeling exponentially crappy about myself. When I do decide to call - I am told exactly how many days it's been since I called last in case I forgot. In the meantime, I send daily emails and pictures and updates, but this does not carry the same weight as a phone call. If I call with the kids around and they are noisy, I hear sighing because it's noisy. If I call when the kids aren't around, I am criticized for only calling when the kids aren't around to talk to her. I can't win.
Speaking of mother/daughter relationships - my eldest here on earth is giving me a run for my money. I think it has to do with the curse my mother put on me as soon as she found out I was having a girl. To announce the "girl" baby coming I sent a bunch of pink flowers to her office at work. In return I got a phone call telling me about how she couldn't wait to see what my daughter would do to me as payback. Congrats Mom - you are winning at this point! Though I'll never tell her that or let on. Parenting a tween with hormones emerging daily is exasperating. I keep trying to remember what I needed the most at that age and give it to her. Sometimes I just hide because she hates me and loves Daddy right now.
Speaking of other mother/daughter relationships - I'm finding my little one is much more sensitive than she lets on. A very familiar quality I can relate to. She's maturing every day and I find myself missing all the things that went on when she wasn't quite so mature yet. The toys at Christmas weren't baby toys. Her clothes aren't baby clothes. She's very independent in a good way. Even so she still is shy sometimes and clings to me and insists on 100 kisses before bedtime or before leaving me. I try to remind myself to enjoy it now because she will be a tween before I know it and hate me too.
I didn't get around to any real new year's resolutions. The cliché one of course is to lose weight and get healthy. I can feel myself struggling to breathe sometimes - not a good sign. I'm not sure if it's stress and anxiety or just exertion. Probably a little of everything. When I used to smoke regularly I don't remember any breathing problems at all - so this has to be an age and weight and health thing. Oh joy. I've put off my annual appointments for the last year and I don't think I can avoid it any longer. I just don't feel well, or good, or healthy. I need to just @#$#@ do it already. I used to be a fitness guru of sorts and was just about a gym rat. I don't know where that person is. So I think get healthy and let my hair grow out are about as new year's resolution-y I'm going to get this year.
Boy these 7 quick takes are fast becoming 7 depressing diatribes - that is until the little one just interrupted take #5 demanding a hug. Best part of the day. Not a regular hug mind you, she has to crawl on my lap and I'm not allowed to look at the lap top, and I have to wrap her up in my arms and stay there until she's ready to leave. Sometimes being a mom rocks.
One last resolution - or at least something I need to work on and want to work on... my "prayer life." I need to learn how to pray somehow or at least figure out if what I consider praying is really prayer or does it matter or does He even care? As usual, I will complicate the hell out of it.
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Oh, I am sorry about #3!! Sigh.
ReplyDeleteWith #7, read anything by Thomas Dubay that you can get your hands on. And, read Ordinary Path to Holiness, to get your bearings:
http://littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/2010/08/part-ii-file-this-under-why-havent-i.html
Thank you for the suggestions! I am no match for mother nature apparently.
DeleteDon't complicate it! I assure you, it counts. Remember when your children were very young, and you rejoiced at every babbling sound they made? Then you strained both your ears and your brain trying to pick discernible words from the babble. Then, wonder of wonders, came the day you realized some of those discernible words were actually deliberate! Sentences followed, and so forth and so on. My point is, don't be afraid to just babble! Our Father loves His children even more than we love ours, and whatever they can manage certainly counts. If you find that you put your thoughts into writing more easily, you might consider keeping a prayer journal. One trick I can remember using is taking the Lord's Prayer and not simply reciting it but using it as a model for prayer. Like so: Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name" This is a wonderful way to begin a prayer, with praise to God simply for who and what he is. "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven." -- an acknowledgement of God's sovereignty over all, and praying for his perfect will and the grace to accept it. "Give us this day our daily bread."-- prayer for our needs, physical and spiritual. This line can be applied many ways, considering the "bread" referred to is likely the Eucharist. "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Prayer for forgiveness of our own sins, as well as the grace to forgive others well. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil"-- self explanatory. And since I was still a Baptist at the time, I'll leave you with, "For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever, amen." Circles nicely around to end the prayer the same way it began--with praise. :) Anyway, I'll stop monopolizing your combox now. Hope something here helps you out. :)
ReplyDeleteSee - that's what I want to be able to do - like you just did! Maybe a prayer journal is a good thing for me, I'm definitely a better writer than speaker. But, I still have trouble being comfortable with typing or writing "prayers" like you just did, "Our Father loves His children..." Awesome.
Delete#1: Welcome to the Quick Takes. They're just seven short (or hopefully short) things that may not merit a post on their own. There is no right or wrong way to do it.
ReplyDelete#2: I'm sorry. That has to be hard.
#3: I'm sorry. Hang in there.
#5: I usually go in every August like clockwork. Last year, it didn't happen and I'm in the process of making the appointment. I'll keep you accountable if you'll do the same for me.
#7: I HIGHLY recommend "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Prayer". It's the book I would use if I were to teach a class on prayer because it goes into every aspect of it.
And again, welcome.
Sounds like a plan. I hate doctors. I didn't used to have such a big problem but after the last couple of years' procedures and two c-sections, complications, etc. I can't stand the smell, the sound of metal on metal, the crinkly paper and the fact that my veins are not penetrable by anybody no matter how hard they try! Thank you for your suggestions so much!
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