Both/And...neither?

Today was one of those days...for many reasons and for a single reason, well at least a single reason in my mind.  Today was one of those days because I had an abortion at age 17 and will be and am being forever punished and tortured by all forces of nature, all forces of evil, all things that I can control and all things that I can't.  Today was one of those days where my two living children made me feel as though I have failed in every way possible as a mother.  Today, I failed as a wife.  Today, I failed as a daughter.  I lost my temper so many times today to the point where I didn't have any feelings at all.  I've fought with two young children over the stupidest of things.  My two children who are essentially what my Mom calls "traveling angels" showed their horns today in all manner of ways.  I suppose I should be grateful that their horrible behavior is only shown at home, but sometimes, it's not enough.

I'll spare you the gory details of it all and quite honestly I don't have the energy to bang them all out on this keyboard, but the crux of it is... after all is said and done and the bad day is almost put to bed, at least two parts of it, I'm left here, feeling alone and feeling beaten, bruised, battered and worst of I all, feeling like I deserve it.  Quite often I'm looking for condemnation for my abortion and today was one of those days when I think I found it.

All of this, of course, is a completely ridiculous line of thinking and I should stop it, but today, I don't want to stop it, I want to see where it goes, I want to see what's at the end of it if it ends at all.  All of this is ridiculous because my life is not horrible.  I should be able to cling to all the positives in it, but not today. 

Today is one of those days when I swear off the Church and think thoughts like what's the point, why even go, what if we're wrong, what if it's not true, what if days like today is all there is.  Like the movie goes, what if this is as good as it gets... because I don't deserve any better?

Up until today, although the past couple of weeks have been rough, but nothing out of the ordinary for most parents who work and struggle and worry about finances and their family's well being and what's going on the in the world, but one trudges on because what else is there to do?

Today, I gave up.  I give up.

Lately, I've been learning a lot about the history of the Church and it's been fascinating and a lot to absorb and I assume that one can never ever learn every thing about it, but there are highlights that I cling to and I have my "a-ha" moments in my new found history lessons.  One of these themes is how our Church is of the "both/and" philosophy. How the Church doesn't see dichotomies where none exist, sometimes there doesn't have to be one at all.  Some things are just a dichotomy by design and as Catholics we believe it certain things can be both/and.

So this kind of thinking leads to me start thinking what things am I both/and?  What can I be both/and?  I can be post abortive and happy.  I can be post abortive and Catholic.  I can be post abortive and a good Mom.  I can be both a woman with a wretched sexual past and be a faithfully devoted, chaste spouse now. I can sit and have hours long intellectual conversations with big words over coffee and cigarettes (cigarettes are only allowed on my birthday) and I can be ridiculously simple and goofy and dense.  I can be both extroverted and shy.

But days like today make me feel like I'm not both/and anything, I'm neither.  I'm nothing.  Chief cook and bottle washer with a purely utilitarian purpose.  What if I'm something completely unrecognizable that doesn't have a category.  What if this is all I am, this person I am today?  I'm just waiting for other shoe to drop. 

I don't even know where to go with it all and I'm sick of trying.  I'm sick of the roller coaster of emotions.  I'm sick of feeling all together.  So, if I'm neither, what am I? 

Feeling defeated is a scary place to be, and when the things that cause you to feel defeated seem to come more quickly and easily than the things that build you up, what then?  When will my two steps forward stop being followed by a step back?  What do you do when the words of any prayer barely form in your mind, let alone find their way to your lips or heart? What if you feel you can't even look to Him for help because you aren't even sure he's really there?