Speaking of hours alone on Fridays (or the hours of school time at a fine Catholic school where my kids spend their time 180 days a year), are my kids the only ones who are magically transformed by asphalt driveways? Here's the thing, my kids get on the bus in the morning and are transformed into polite, caring, empathetic, attentive, respectful, lovely children. When they return home, the opposite happens, the minute their precious little Mary Jane clad feet hit the asphalt of the driveway they are transformed into disrespectful, crabby, pantry raiding, smart mouthed little monsters. Okay, maybe the little one isn't too bad because her cuteness factor can usually override any bad behavior which is usually fleeting. The other one? Oh my goodness. I was in no way prepared for the wrath of a tween. I've tried to be understand. I've tried to be overly loving. I've tried to be patient. I've tried to be kind. I've tried to ignore it. I've tried not to engage the monster. Ive tried engaging the monster. I am failing - miserably. I'm convinced this child either hates me or the curse my mother hatched on me ("I hope you have one just like you!") is coming true ten fold. I've entertained the idea that Satan himself is using her to torment me. I'm at a complete loss. My husband and I both are. She is a screaming, rage filled, possibly hormone wracked, alien impostor of my once sweet little blue eyed beauty and I am her prime punching bag. What's most frustrating is that she saves up all of this ugliness for me, for us. If I video taped her for 20 minutes at home and showed it to her teachers or anyone outside of this home they would never believe it is the same child. So, if she's capable of being one child during the school day - why is she not capable of being that same person, heck I'd be happy with a 1/4 of that person, at home? It is honestly making me question God's decision to make me a mother. I'm questioning never sending her to daycare. I'm questioning everything. No answer for those questions today.
I could go on and on about Papa Francis. I'm just so in love with him for so many reasons. Granted my love affair is solely based on social media images and videos and transcripts of his homilies, but I guess that's all it takes sometimes. I remember when he first came out on the balcony and he just stood there for the longest time just gazing out over the people and he wasn't smiling. My eldest asked, "why doesn't he look happy?" I didn't have an answer, I think I said maybe he's just contemplating what he's been asked to do and how he's going to do it. Well, whatever conclusion he came to on that balcony - it's working - at least for me it is. Since then we've seen him smile so many times and he just radiates peace and joy while at the same time carrying himself with a quiet confidence that I guess comes from having the Truth on your side. Everyday I look forward to my Twitter feed to find out what Papa Francis did while I was sleeping. The little girl in this video expresses my feelings toward him perfectly - though if were to break through Vatican security the outcome may be a bit different. I want to know what the note said!
The little girl in the video is how I feel on the inside sometimes, her enthusiasm, her ambition, her no holds barred I'm going after what I want attitude. Okay, maybe her parents bribed her with gelato, but still, she has no fear! She just runs towards her goal and succeeds! Then after mission accomplished, turns around and goes back to her place in the crowd. What would this world be like if we were all that unafraid? What would I be like? I've spent a long, long time cowering in the shadows for so long I'm not sure how to break free. That's a lie, I know how, I just don't. Part of the reason is I have struggled for the better part of my life with chronic and sometimes crippling depression. I don't talk about it much on my blog because I'm ashamed of it, embarrassed by it. It's humiliating to have something wrong with you that you can't fix and it's not something that is easily seen or easily understood. My husband doesn't even fully understand it and he knows me better than anyone. I recently stopped taking any antidepressant and antianxiety medications - about two months ago - which means, scientifically, that all of the chemicals are out of my system. And oh what a roller coaster ride it's been. I've done this before as I have been off and on medications for years. I cycle downward, go get some medication, feel better for a while, then start to feel like a zombie, then go off, then go back on. This time I'm determined to not go back on them at all. There's got to be some way to get through this life without my head in a fog. There has got to be some happy medium between despair and zombie. I haven't found it yet. At first I was happy for real tears being shed, now I'm crying at the drop of a hat. At first I was grateful for restful REM sleep, now it's hard to get out of bed and stay out of it. I'm not sure how much longer this experiment will last. The scariest symptom of my particular brand of depression is suicidal ideation, also not easily understood. It's not easy to talk about without people thinking you need to be 302'd immediately. Just because I won't commit suicide for a 100 reasons, doesn't mean I don't think about it, sometimes constantly, and that constant rumination can wear a person down and it's wearing me down. Sometimes it's a fleeting thought, sometimes it's hours or a whole day of "what if's." The commercials are true - depression does hurt - but all those side effects they rattle off - they hurt even more. It's one hell of a catch-22. A day off like today is a good example. Not going to be solved in 7 quick takes, so I ask for any prayers willing to be said.
There is something that can be done that has been scientifically proven to increase serotonin in the brain - exercise! Do I do it? Nope! Why? Because I'm depressed which causes me to be unmotivated and not care. Typically, stopping antidepressants leads to a slight weight loss of the weight you gain when you start an antidepressant - that has not happened this time around. I think my sluggishness and lack of doing much besides lay in bed is a contributing factor. I want to be outside pulling weeds. I want to take my dog for a walk. I want to play with the kids outside in the sunshine. I want to go for a hike on the weekends. I want to. I want to. I want to. I can't. I don't. It's a vicious cycle. Perhaps I'm afraid of what happens if I take one step. The endorphins might kick in and that means I'll take another step and before I know it I'm tramping all over my depression like a cute little Irish step dancer. I think I may be getting close to that point, I'm not sure. I know I feel horrible emotionally and physically. I know my health is going to suffer soon if it's not already. To know all of this and to do something about it is not an easy step for me. I used to be in great physical shape. I used to be at the gym every day (before kids of course). I used to know my way around a weight room and craved the high that came from hitting my target heart rate. There remains a flicker of that somewhere deep down inside.
So I've spent the better part of these quick takes in the negative for the most part - I've been trying to find some positives to cling to. I'm not very good at positives currently. I used to be quite an optimist -I'm not sure I have that in me anymore. Maybe if I throw some out here they will stick. My positives for today are: I have a fantastic husband who is handsome, committed, dedicated, hard working, funny, attentive, sensitive, and kind and not to mention at 40 years old - smoking hot. I'm sure it's a sin when I look around at other husbands and beam with pride over my "trophy husband" but I'm sorry, he's freakin hot and he just gets better with age. It's patently unfair. We also have a rock solid marriage which is often times the one thing I can cling to through all the crap. It is sometimes the only thing I'm 100% sure about. Despite my children wreaking havoc when they are home with me, my kids are smart, funny, beautiful, cute, and caring little human beings. I constantly feel like a failure as a parent, but I guess if they are doing okay out of my sight then I'm not failing totally. I have a nice, comfortable home. Sure there are stains on the carpet, our landscaping is lacking, there are fingerprints on every wall, and our décor is mostly crayons and glitter, but I'm lucky to have it. I have a wonderful furry companion of the Golden Retriever variety who absolutely, unabashedly worships me. Sometimes I feel she was sent to me to keep me alive sometimes. We don't have a lot of money and we are about to soon have a lot less, but we have everything we need and for that I'm grateful.
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