The Sixth Street Bridge

The Sixth Street Bridge
At the tender age of 17, I walked across this bridge, alone, into Downtown Pittsburgh, with $300 in my pocket that my mother had given me to get an abortion. I went into the Fulton Building (in the picture) and did what I was told to do. I didn't have a choice - if I did, I wouldn't have chosen abortion.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Stepping outside of my head...

I wrote a similar post a couple of months ago called, "What Brings you Here?" - about analyzing the stats from my blog.  In all honesty, I don’t understand 90% of the reports that Google Analytics provides, but keywords I do understand.  So, I look them up and review them from time to time out of curiosity.  This activity has proven also to be a bit self-serving, because every so often, a keyword or series of keywords is listed that, for lack of a better term, just blows me away.  Some that I see listed make me sad and others give me hope.  Still others give me reason to keep writing.

With Mother’s Day approaching and stirring up a lot within me, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do to prevent a day-long pity party.  One thing I will be doing is praying outside of the abortion clinic the day before Mother’s Day.  I’ve prayed outside the clinic a few times, but the day before Mother’s Day will be most difficult.  I feel it will be a good thing for me, it gives me something reparative to do and I'm not as inclined to focus on myself when I'm there.  I’ll recite the rosary with the group that gathers there and offer my prayers for each little soul, that they find their way to Heaven and I will ask Grace to intercede and help them along.  It’s an eerie feeling outside of that place with my full knowledge of exactly what is going on inside, but the little souls lost there are much more important than my uncomfortableness.   

I’ve been struggling lately with feeling quite stuck and though I have this blog and I believe it’s reaching people, I feel like there isn’t a lot more I can do to help the pro-life “cause.”   My hope is that in the future when my children are older and can understand that I’ll be able to talk to people, even groups of people, openly about my experience and perhaps help someone that way.  I’m hoping in the meantime to maybe find some people to speak to or help that don’t compromise my anonymity, but we’ll see what happens on that front. 

In looking over the long list of keywords that people have typed into Google and then landed on my Blog, I realize that I have an opportunity to pray over my Blog, if that makes sense.  So, I invite my readers to join me, if you could, and say a few prayers with me over the next week leading up to Mother’s Day.

One of my earliest posts included an ultrasound picture of an 11 week old baby.  This “11 week old ultrasound” and different variations of those keywords has driven the most organic traffic to my blog.  So, I offer prayers for all of those people who Googled “11 week old ultrasound.”  Prayers that if they are pregnant, that they have a healthy pregnancy and joyous occasion when they hold that new baby in their arms.  I’ll offer prayers for those that may have Googled “11 week ultrasound” because they may be contemplating an abortion and now have seen what that baby looks like and they change their mind.  More prayers will be offered for those who searched for “face abnormalities ultrasound 11 weeks” and
“crappy ultrasound at 11 weeks,” that whatever the meaning behind those searches, that it did not lead to an abortion or heartache and if it did, I’ll pray that you found mercy and peace in the time since.

I’ve mentioned my screwed up anatomy before and how my two living children are quite the miracle babies and we did not realize this until afterwards when I had a hysterosalpingogram performed and there, on the screen, was the reality of what was actually going on inside me and explained so much.  I’m told this is a relatively rare condition and most of the time goes vastly undetected.  I offer prayers of thanksgiving for knowing that I do have this condition and that it is indeed hereditary so I will be able to let my girls know, when the time comes, that they too may have difficulty conceiving, but we know why. 

I offer prayers for all those who searched for information on this condition with words like, “uterine horn, unicornuate uterus, 2 horn womb,  double uterus, rudimentary uterine horn, non communicating uterine horn, banana shaped uterus, anatomy unicornuate uterus, blind uterine horn…”  I pray that you have found help for your condition and for whatever outcome you wanted to have after having found the information you sought.  I pray that those who searched for the information while trying to conceive – that they continue to have hope because I have two healthy children, conceived with no artificial assistance at all, despite this rare condition.

Finally, for all those who came across my Blog after typing the following into their search bar…

repentance prayer for abortion
abortion spoils marriages
the Miserere prayer of repentance
post abortion, get my confidence back
repentance prayer for a abortion done
stories of abortion repentance
husband cannot handle abortion
6th pregnancy contemplating abortion
I’m looking forward to the healing from the guilt of three abortions this retreat can provide
mothers day and abortion
my mom wanted me to have an abortion how do i forgive her
forgive things from the past
god help me
Eucharist as recognition of god's presence
will confession absolve me

I offer prayers, and ask my readers to do the same, for, whoever these searchers are, wherever they may be, prayers that if you have had an abortion that you find mercy, forgiveness, love, healing and happiness.  That if you are contemplating abortion, that my story will give you pause and change your mind.  That if someone is coercing you to abort, that you find the strength to resist and someone to help you do just that.  I offer prayers for those searching for forgiveness or wondering if it’s even possible - it is.  I offer prayers for those searchers who may be Catholic and have not been to Mass in a long time for whatever reason.  I pray that you return and experience the fullness of what our Church has to offer.  I pray that something spurs you to just take one step toward the journey back home – there is much mercy and forgiveness to be found and so many people willing to help if you just simply ask for it.  I offer prayers that those who are postabortive and seeking healing that they look up the information on their local Project Rachel ministry and have the courage to call.  I offer prayers for those who think they are unforgivable.  No sin is bigger than His mercy – seek him out.  Find a Priest to speak to – there are so many kind and holy priests among us, they will not turn you away, I promise. 

Lastly, a prayer for myself, that in hopefully stepping outside of myself this week, that I’m helped along in my healing journey.


  1. To the Mother of all mothers and their children, I go for you. So precious are you
    and your offerings.......

  2. Thank you! That may be the first time anyone has referred to me as "precious," perhaps I need to remember that a bit more often.

    1. It is an unfortunate distinction to have, although it must simply be an unexpressed, but widely held thought....Your exposition of raw emotion is akin to His exposed but bound Body at the pillar. Defenseless against the incessant onslaught, He could only make ready His heart. You, too, have made that decision, by deciding to post your thoughts from those moments at seventeen, up to this moment. And as we so unworthily benefitted from His stripes, so do we in some way, from your compostions. That you would only know how much....

  3. I don't remember how I came to your blog - perhaps through another Catholic blogger? - but I do find your blog a helpful reminder that our acceptance of God's mercy is a journey - difficult but beautiful, no matter how big or small our sins are.

    You wrote that "I’ve been struggling lately with feeling quite stuck and though I have this blog and I believe it’s reaching people, I feel like there isn’t a lot more I can do to help the pro-life “cause.”"

    I was just thinking at Mass this morning that God doesn't always ask us to do big and great things, but rather to sanctify the small things. And it sounds like you do just that in His loving, caring presence. If it pleases God to hide himself in ordinary bread and wine, it certainly must please him if we make little offerings like children.

    Anyway, just my .02 cents. God bless you on Mother's Day, and may the mother of God pray for you in a special way during this month of May!

  4. Please be assured your testimony is needed on so many fronts. I'm a pro-life activist and while I've read lots of testimonies of women who've repented of their abortions, those of us who've never had abortions, you have the inside track on what it is to go through the abortion and to deal with the fallout. We need to be reminded of how abortion affects women even as we fight for the unborn. God Bless! Keep writing!

  5. Thank you for all of the support and kind words. This endeavor has proved just as much a support to me as I would hope it to be for others.

  6. Don't underestimate the power of the blog in modern evangelisation. It really matters to hear someone admit their sin and proclaim the freedom of forgiveness and possibility of new life in Christ. We have all fallen short of the glory of God and need to hear - often- that we are forgiven and loved.
    Thank you.