The Grace to Forgive...

Well, halfway through Mother's Day and I'm still here.  I keep wavering back and forth between fully engaged and fully detached without the ability to find a comfy in-between.  I don't have a lot of clear thoughts or words for today, I'm sure they will come later. But, a few things I think I've come to know for sure over the last day or two.

I think I may need some help that I don't like asking for.  I think maybe a lot of what I've been feeling the last few months may be either half or even more than half of some kind of hormonal or chemical disconnect or whirlwind inside of my body and my mind.  I know for sure that the harder I try to pray, to hope, to love, to not stifle my own laughter, the harder someone tries to keep me from doing any or all of these things.  No one talks about the "devil" anymore and it sounds silly as I even type it here, but I have to believe that not all of what goes on with me is of myself entirely, whether good or bad.  But I seem to have only two states as of late, 90% of the time I feel nothing. I'm numb, no sadness, no joy, nothing.  The other 10% - well let's just say it's not a happy place either. 

No time to think about some of this right now or for the next few days, but my focus will be on keeping the darkness at bay until I'm able to address it full on.  The nights will be long the next few days as my hubby has some traveling to do.

At this morning's Mass - the Good Father spoke of love and love and more love and it was a lovely homily and parts of it touched my heart as I sat with one child on either side of me poking at me for attention or tugging at my skirt.  After communion, I knelt there with my eyes closed for a long time and asked for help, nothing specific, just, "help."  Another Good Father reminded me last week or so that I will not, ever, be able to free myself from any of this, or do anything at all by myself.  I need Him.  So, the last few days my prayers have been simple, just, "help."

My thoughts then went to my Mom who I had just talked to on the phone before Mass.  My mind wandered as I knelt there and I thought about how to ask for the grace to forgive her for her part in my abortion for this has been a huge impasse for me.  And then I heard a little voice say to me, "but, I forgive her Mommy, so you can too."

I never know when I hear these things if they are my own thoughts or what.  I try not to think about it too much - but rather focus on what happens inside of me when I "hear" them.  The tears started to fall and I figured, okay, that I can work with.  Like the flowers I received from my two children here on earth, that I can physically plant and tend to all season, perhaps this flower of advice I received from Grace can be planted in me and take root all the same.  If I can forgive my Mom then maybe I can go down the list and forgive all the others who hurt me over the years.

Thank you Grace, for my Mother's Day gift, I just have to figure out what to do with it.