I've been writing this blog for almost three years now. I did not set out with a plan of any kind when I began writing. It just seemed like it would be an okay place for me to talk about my story and all the rest and whoever read it, read it. I did think that if I could help just one person then I would have been a success. I'm not really worried about the success of this blog any more and haven't been for a while. My blog has become a place for me to talk about my abortion and everything else in my life that partially stems from that trauma and all that surrounds it. It has given me a place for my heart to speak when I can't manage to speak with those closest to me. My blog has given me a place where I feel like I am heard. I don't know if I'll ever speak publicly, non-anonymously, about my abortion, but I've done a lot of other things on this journey that I never thought I would do, so I won't say never. Until then, this blog has become my, "I Regret My Abortion" sign.
Cradle My Heart, Finding God's Love After Abortion, in 2012 and her radio show offers a "safe space for you to connect with
others who are finding God’s love–especially after guilt and grief
related to abortion, addictions and other life-controlling issues."
Knowing that I blog anonymously, Kim and I arranged for the interview via email and agreed on a pseudonym to use for the show. I didn't think a whole lot about saying yes to Kim's invitation, but I was quite anxious leading up to it. What if someone recognizes my voice? What if I'm really bad at it? I'm a writer, not a speaker! What if my Mom hears it? Adding to the anxiety was that Kim wanted me to talk about my abortion experience itself. I knew that it would be difficult as I've only told the story, out loud, a few times and it doesn't get any easier. Saying the words can send me right back there on that table, in that space and time, and render me utterly ignorant of all the grace, love, and peace that has reigned down on me since that day so long ago, yet so near in my heart and mind.
I suppose the main reason I agreed to do the interview was that it would give me a chance to use my voice and not just my words and that, I thought, could be very powerful and perhaps just as beneficial for me as perhaps it might be for someone who may be listening.
So last evening, my phone rang a few moments before the live show and then I had the chance to use my voice to tell my story. I think it went well and it helped immensely that Kim understood where I had been. Of course, time constraints make it difficult to share every single detail, but I hope what I did get the chance to say was enough. Upon that statement, a dear Priest, whom I cherish, would ask, "Enough for who?" I suppose my first thought would be enough for God, but I don't have to be enough for Him. I hope enough for someone who may have been listening, is still hurting from an abortion, and afraid to seek help.
After the interview, my mind was swirling for a few hours. One of the callers who phoned in was quite passionate about my forgiving myself. Believe me, I know! But, it remains difficult. Maybe one day it won't be difficult. It's hard for me to picture a day when I'm completely at peace with my journey and all of its steps, but I know not to say never.
If you are postabortive and you've been reading my blog or you just got here - please know that no matter how desperate and overwhelmingly dark my story gets at times, there is always, always, His mercy that is bigger than all of it. That truth is what keeps me going even on my darkest of days. I would be no where without it. I am nothing without it.
Here's a link to my interview with Kim, if you'd like to listen... Connecting your story to God's story after abortion.