25 years ago, on this day, my daughter was killed. Slowly, tortuously, methodically taken from my womb and deposited somewhere else.
I know that may be hard for some to hear, it's hard for me to say, or type. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever said those words out loud. The keyboard is safer. But that's the hard truth. If there is any point to this blog, and I've learned in the year or so I've been writing it that it has way more purpose than I could have ever dreamed of, it's to tell the story of my abortion in the hopes that some day there will be no more abortions, no more killing. Some may stop by to read my story because they have been there themselves, or maybe they need to help someone who has been through the same, but I hope more and more stop by and read my story and then turn the feelings they have after into action to do whatever they can to stop it from happening to someone else.
Like I said, having an abortion changes you forever. After all the work I've done to battle my demons and put to rest the wrongness of my thinking about it, in spite of all the healing work I've done and all the work He has done in me... the grief remains, the sorrow remains, the regret remains, the doubt remains. You learn to manage it in healthy ways like anyone who has lost someone they love, but it remains forever.
I feel I can never say "I'm sorry" enough to my Lord and Savior and to Grace. I know I've been forgiven. I know that His mercy has saved me, but I remain sorry and sometimes the sorrow is crippling. It can color every other aspect of your life, no matter how good it is. But, with help and healing and Him, I've learned to live with my sorrow much better than I had been, but work remains. There is no grave to visit, but the space in my heart that's for her.
I'm sorry Grace for what happened to you on this day, 25 years ago. I didn't know what to do when I realized that He had sent you to me. I didn't realize you were a gift. I was told what to do with you. I wonder if my Mom is thinking of you today. I'm sorry I didn't even try to find another way. I'm sorry I didn't tell anyone else about you for that may have saved your life. I'm sorry that I didn't turn around on that bridge that morning and come home with you. I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry it took me so long to acknowledge you at all. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I know where you are now and that you are happy because what else could you be in the light of Heaven? I know you don't want me to be sad and mournful and withdrawn, especially for you sisters' sake. I will try to keep the sadness reigned in today and I'll turn my despair into little prayers of thanksgiving for you having been with me for the short time that you were. Look at all you've taught me! I have you to thank for my growth in faith, for the rediscovery of His Church that I love so much, for the people that have come into my life as a result of my grief over your lost life.
I will pray for you today Grace and ask Our Lady to comfort and keep you until I am there with you. Please seek Him out today ask, again, for mercy for me and for my Mom. I love you.