Does my "prayer" count?

I've been in a struggle lately.  The thing I've figured out the last few days is that about two weeks ago when things were "good," I was trying to pray a rosary every day. Coincidence?  Most probably not. I was also trying to get in some kind of habit of "praying without ceasing."  Well, I was ceasing a lot, but I was trying to whisper some prayers during my daily chores.  While ironing my husband's shirts, I would whisper things like, "Please, Lord, give my husband confidence when he wears this shirt.  Help him to stand up straight (he tends to slouch)".  As I would iron the arms of the shirt I would pray that he always be strong and confident. At the yoke of the shirt, I would pray that his burden never be too heavy and that I would be able to help him with whatever burdens he has.  Then, in the morning as I would tie his tie for him (yes, I tie his tie, I just always have) I would pray in my head that the Lord keep watch over him while he was away from me and find happiness and fulfillment at his sometimes high pressure job.  I think he found me out though because he went to Google something on my phone and up popped my last search about "prayers for ironing."  He didn't ask any questions.  Maybe he's afraid of the answer?  I digress.

Anyway, there were a couple of weeks that I was trying this prayer thing out.  Then, the you-know-what hit the fan as it always does.  Normal every day you-know-what, sick kids, hectic schedules, family conflict, etc. and I stopped the prayers.  I stopped "praying" or listening to the rosary every day.  I got mad at God because my Mom still hates me. Then things seemed to tumble out of whack.  Life is like that, but I can't help but wonder that for those couple of weeks when things were kind of easy going - was it a result of my attempts at daily prayer? 

I'm still figuring it out. I'm thinking I might need to seek some concrete help.  Where do you go to learn how to pray correctly?  Is there a correct way?  I'm wondering if I pray the rosary with an audio aide - does it "count"?  Do thoughts in my head while I'm praying count even if they are constantly interrupted - are thoughts even a prayer?  If I just read a bunch of prayers, does that count?  I'm starting to think I don't know how to pray at all except when I'm told exactly what to do and say, i.e., at Mass. I've learned a little about Lectio Divina.  I have a book on contemplative prayer.  I've been reading the catechism for a few months, I'm just kind of feeling pretty dumb currently.  Is there a how to guide for prayer? A Prayer for Dummies book?  I feel so awkward and at times completely ridiculous.  Does it only count when I'm in Church, with incense wafting and candles flickering, and sunlight dancing through the stained glass and Him in the tabernacle - just that close to me?  That I could do every day.

In the midst of pondering all of these things, I came across this on Twitter from Priests for Life.  This will be my prayer for the next couple of days as I've been feeling that I'm neglecting Grace and trying to push her aside to push aside the pain that inevitably comes with the thought of her.  I am still trying to figure out how to feel joy for the two children who are making an enormous amount of noise upstairs, while my heart aches for the one who is with Him and not with me. 

Prayer of a Mom who Lost a Child to Abortion
by Fr. Frank Pavone

Lord God of Peace,
I thank you for your love for me,
Which is more tender than the love
Of a mother for her child.
I thank you for your forgiveness,
Which is more generous
Than the forgiveness human beings can offer.
Thank you for helping me to know
That I am not my abortion.
Rather, I am your daughter, Beloved and Redeemed,
For whom your Son would have died
If I were the only one who needed salvation.
Save me always
From the menacing voice of useless guilt and the oppressive force of shame.
Rather, lift me up in the light, peace, and grace
Of the Risen Lord Jesus Christ,
Who lives and reigns forever and ever. Amen.

Postabortive with a side of Post Election Stress Disorder

The weeks running up to the election wreaked havoc on my mind, heart, and spirit.  If there is a post traumatic election disorder, I'm convinced I have it.  I was obsessed with the news, blogs, radio, whatever I could read or listen to for weeks.  Not always a good thing.  The problem remains that though I've grown on this journey of mine, I'm still just at the beginning in a lot of ways.  There have been some resolutions, but even some of the resolutions have led to other realizations and new things to pursue and flush out and work on.  All good in the end I suppose, but realizing that I will never truly reach the "end" of it till I'm dead does not leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy on the inside, which makes for a shut down, not very cute, outside 100% of the time.  

Deep down I think I knew that "our side" would not win the election.  Not when I sit at church and know that some of the very people there with me are pro choice, pro birth control, pro married priests, pro same sex "marriage", pro everything and anything that we Catholics aren't supposed to support.  I feel as though I'm just getting my footing on how to be a good and faithful Catholic.  I've only just discovered the whole deal of the Magisterium and the mission of the whole Church and how unbelievably, ridiculously, and immensely awesome it is that I am a member of such a glorious undertaking.  But, I feel like I have no one to share those feelings with.  I'm so grateful that there is truth that never wavers and that reveals the absolutes in my life - thank you God for taking the burden off of me of figuring out what is good and what isn't good, of what is of You and what is most definitely not.  

And I guess that's why I was kind of pumped up anyway that our side might win, that the sanctity of life and religious liberty would prevail and I could be excited about it and not have to really tell anyone the real reason that I am all of sudden all super-Catholic and all.  Now, I feel as though I have to take my big horrible secret back to the dark corners and hide. Maybe if I would have spoken up to the friends of mine who scoff at the abortion homilies and the same sex marriage arguments.  Maybe if I would said, "well guess what, I had an abortion and it basically ruined me forever," I might have changed a mind or two.  But, I didn't.  I just can't.  Not in that way.  Not yet.  Not here.  Maybe somewhere? I don't know. 

And I get it, I get why so many of my peers and my own family members are not as geeked out on the church as I am lately - and forever.  I used to be just like them.  I used the pill for years.  We used condoms when we were married - which have got to be the most disgusting things ever, truly.  God did not intend for condoms - that I know for sure.  It always felt wrong and horrible and now - we know better. I try to tell every young couple I meet to ditch the five year plan and follow the teachings of the Church.  The years that we decided it was "time" to try to get pregnant and didn't use contraception were some of the most beautiful years of our marriage.  I have to be reminded constantly that I'm not a hypocrite now when I speak out (the little that I do) about why contraception is wrong.  Why I'm not a hypocrite to be prolife now and it's not only because I've already had my abortion as I've been told.  I guess I thought that if a semi-pro life president took office, then within those four years, maybe I'd be a little braver.  Maybe I'd do more prolife work.  But, not now.  I can understand why a mother of daughters would argue the rape exception as a justification - I can't even begin to imagine what that would entail - but I can imagine what one of my daughters having an abortion would do to them, despite how they got pregnant in the first place. 

Now I don't know what to do.  Give up?  Give in?  Shut up? I feel like I'm losing friends who don't understand me anymore and I can't really share with them the basis for my transformation.  The frustrating part is I'm still the same person - I just am ... I don't even know how to explain it.  I'm more Catholic? I'm more faithful? I'm all in? I'm okay with submission to the teachings of my Church?  I don't know.  Maybe I just need to sit tight for a while and wait to see what happens next.

I think when the time comes, if ever, that I go public with my story to friends and family and whomever, that it will be a lot easier in some ways.  I know that some people will still never understand, but a few may.  I know that among my peers, most likely over half of them have had abortions themselves.  I ache for the friendships and genuine love for one another that could be had if we only felt okay with what we probably have in common.  I know that when I've been on a retreat, or among other postabortive women, I feel as if I can finally breathe.  For something that I only mentioned out loud less than five times in my life up until a few years ago - if given the chance - I wouldn't shut up about it at all.  I tested the waters with a few semi-prolife postings on Facebook and the critics came marching in so fast and furious.  I wanted to shout, but wait, I really do know what I'm talking about!    

I did come across an article the other day though that gave me some hope.  I've been struggling lately a lot with the whole idea of loving God with my whole heart and that He should be above all else in my life.  I'm confused because my hubby usually is in that spot - how do I reconcile God first, husband second?

Simcha Fisher had a piece on the National Catholic Register entitled, How Can a Married Woman Be a Bride of Christ.  I love her writing and this piece spoke to me about the very issue I was struggling with.  Do read the whole piece, but lately under my theme of someone please just tell me what to do, Simcha writes, "Your job as a married woman will be to recognize and honor what is Christlike in your husband, and to help your husband to become more like Christ."  Got it, that I can do.  I think.  Now I just need some other direct orders and hopefully I'll make it though.

Trust in Your Mercy

From Theresa Bonapartis comes this post about trusting in His mercy - that all postabortive women struggle with just about every day.

Trust In Your Mercy


“We are Sinners and you invite us to trust in your Mercy.” May all those who are post abortive accept the invitation…He will not let you down.

Cutting Emotional Ties on Facebook

I've spent the last couple of weeks in some mental gymnastics.  I've got a lot going on with just every day life.  Sometimes it feels as though my entire life is just zipping by and I barely have time to catch my breath.  Some days I collapse into bed at night and feel so empty, spent, I've got nothing left.  I've also been in a month or more long battle of wills with my Mom.  A long story short, I said some things to her, that although were 100% true and honest, did not make her happy and she seems hell bent on convincing me that I am wrong.  In her quest to get me to back down on my position she has sent me various emails and has called one time to try to remind me that I am wrong, she is right, and that's the end of it.  Typically, I let these things go and I even tried to let this one go, but she had to try again last week to get the proverbial last word in and then stop the conversation.  Having your Mom mad at you hurts.  Having her remind you repeatedly that she is mad at you hurts a lot more, then the drudging up of one's past mistakes is salt on the wound.

There is only so much I can do.  I believe that there is more going on with my Mom than what's on the surface.  I think her age is beginning or has been a factor for some time so hopefully in the next couple of weeks things will come to some resolution.  Neither of us will be happy about it.  Nothing will be resolved.  But that's how my family of origin works when it comes to untidy disagreements or events. When my Mom's mom died, she left my Mom a letter to read after she was gone.  My mom kept that letter in her Betty Crocker cook book for years.  I read it.  Remembering what it said - it was very similar to my relationship with my Mom now.  There were some good things my Nana had written to her, but the majority of the letter was my Nana getting the last, last word in, which of course left my Mom no rebuttal.  I'm sure when my Mom is gone, there will be a letter for me.  I can't control what my Mom does.  I can't control what anyone does.  I can control what I do.

This morning I logged on to the computer and started my usual visit to Facebook to check in and see what family and friends were up to.  The majority of my Facebook "friends" are actually extended family members, mostly all my 1st cousins.  Facebook is a great tool for keeping in touch.  Last summer we had all gotten together and it was great because we already all knew what was going on in everyone's life.  As I started perusing my news feed, one status update jumped out.  It was the status update of someone I went to high school with.  I think it was the first time I took a moment to really process what that person's name popping up at me after only half way in to my second cup of coffee had done.  It was jolt not from the caffeine, it was a jolt back to the past.  This person wreaked havoc on my emotions all through high school and beyond.  He was my friend, he wasn't my friend, we kind of dated, but no one could ever know about it... and on and on and on.  I started to think about why I'm Facebook friends him?  I moved down the news feed, there were lots of status updates from "friends."  I started by unfriending that first person in an angry huff at myself for being so stupid... then I decided, or rather was nudged, to go further.

I looked and saw that I had 224 Facebook friends! I know the term "friends" defies its own meaning on Facebook - but that didn't mean I had to buy into it.  Did I really care what 224 people had done in the 12 hours since I last checked Facebook?  I started to go down the list to get a feeling for how the other names made me feel initially upon seeing them.  There were more than several high school classmates, the majority of which I wasn't really friends with 20 years ago.  My class was small, only 88 students, so you definitely knew everyone and the classes above and below you - but friends?  No way.  One girl, well woman now of course, actually punched me on the school bus!  Why am I Facebook friends with her?  Unfriend.  Another two had spread rumors about me for years. Unfriend.  I started to notice a real pattern.  I hadn't "friended" the primary sources of most of my teenage angst, the people who really hurt me - but I had friended their friends.  Why?  Why would I want any ties to them at all?  Unfriend, unfriend, unfriend.  The memories were coming fast and furious now and I was stopping them with two mouse clicks!  One person whose name I see just about every day on Facebook actually trashed my locker on several occasions, stole my yearbook and wrote, slut, whore, etc., all over it.  I still have that yearbook on my shelf... why?  And this morning I am reading his stupid opinion on the election? Which, by the way, he is extremely inarticulate and rude.  Unfriend!

Some unfriending was easy - others were hard.  I found myself slowing down over my friends list and really thinking about each person.  Why were they on my list?  Did I care about them? Was I just being nosy? Were they tied to someone else who I wasn't friends with in the hopes that I may hear or see something about the person I never friended on Facebook?  Case in point, I was involved for about 4 years on and off  in a relationship that scarred me for life.  This person was emotionally and physically abusive, totally humiliating, reckless, and at times dangerous. He has sent me several friend requests over the years which I always ignore, but I am Facebook friends with some of his closest friends - what?  I think maybe I was just trying to make a statement that I was above all of that past mess, I was okay, just fine thank you, and did you see my fabulous life now?  These were ties that had to be broken for sure.

Every time one of those people's names popped up on Facebook, I would be right back there, a quick flash of a memory sometimes leading to more memories.  Unfriend, unfriend, unfriend.

The most difficult unfriending happened with friends of Grace's father.  I have never attempted to friend him on Facebook and he has never sent me a friend request either.  I do see his name sometimes if he comments on a status or something.  All of those facebook friends with ties to him had to go I realized.  I didn't need them.  Grace is watching over both of us I'm sure - that's all the tie we need.

When I reviewed my friend list again - I was down to 161 - 63 people gone off my Facebook feed.  That felt good.  63 people with either some negative tie to my past, some kind of tie to my heart, some kind of tie to my memories - gone.  I'm not claiming to be some innocent victim.  I'm sure my name elicits some negative reactions from other people from my past.  I was notorious for my pranks at band camp that I'm sure left some people scarred.  But, now my Facebook feed is filled with family and my real, present day friends.  I left a few people on from my past, but I did notice that the ones I kept were mostly all from my early childhood and my neighborhood and only two or three from my high school years, the ones who stuck by me for a long time and the ones who have known me all my life.  The rest are my college friends who just happen to also be mutual friends between hubby and me.  I even have three Priests!  Obviously, ties that should be kept and made stronger!

Over the last week I've been thinking a lot about my own self-hatred.  I even have a list of reasons why I hate myself.  The list of people I have just defriended on Facebook have a direct correlation to a lot of the reasons on that list.  Perhaps I have to purge that list.  

The tie to my Mom I can never break.  I can't defriend my Mom.  It wouldn't possibly hurt so much right now to have her upset with me if I didn't love her so much and crave her approval.  But maybe this early morning Facebook purge will free up some inner strength to fight the battles that really matter in my life presently.  I aim to pray today for the strength to recognize who in my life really matters - presently - and who is part of my past to be forgotten and put to rest along with all the ties between us.  I pray it has been good practice for some real life ties that need to be broken and for some purging that is long overdue.

Life After Abortion

"Life After Abortion" is a DVD of the untold story of the other victims of abortion: The countless women (and men) have been overwhelmed by post abortion trauma, which results in fear, anxiety, pain, and guilt.